Do you think I'm sexy?

Not if you are on Take Me Out. It is hard to tell who should be more ashamed on this program: the performing monkey men or the women who have to think up flirty one liners, a task which many of them are clearly not up to. ‘I’ve got a pair of military boots. You’ve got a pair of military boots. I think we should start a military operation’ said one young lovely. Hot.

An Irish Spring?

Ireland’s Taoiseach in waiting, Enda Kenny, seems keen to link his victory in Friday’s election to the situation in the Arab world. Declaring victory, Kenny told reporters that ‘obviously there’s been a democratic revolution here. People did not take to the streets, they took to the ballot boxes’. Though Fine Gael’s victory is certainly historic, Kenny has perhaps misunderstood what a revolution is. Ireland has been a democracy since 1922, which hardly makes for a valid comparison with the sudden end of Egypt’s decades of despotism. Neither did the people of Ireland take to the ballot boxes in revolutionary numbers. Though turnout was higher than in recent years, it was lower than at any election between 1948 and 1987. The only thing ‘obvious’ about Ireland’s ‘democratic revolution’ is that there has not been one. It is, however, a better tag line than: ‘We won the election, but not amazingly, and have replaced a party that is ideologically identical to us because most of it’s former voters voted for parties that were not us’.

The Scientific Method

Unable to find some haemorrhoid cream (?), Jenny Frost was reduced to rubbing potatoes into her skin on tonight's Snog Marry Avoid?. Fortunately though, the old wives tale is correct. Jenny's objectively analysed sample of one determined: 'I think I look much better… so it is true, potatoes reduce the bags under your eyes’.

Everything but Korea

He may not know where Germany is, but Justin Bieber has his head screwed on when it comes to politics. ‘I’m not sure about the parties,’ he recently told Rolling Stone magazine, ‘but whatever they have in Korea, that’s bad’. It may sound inane, but at least it avoids the leftist claptrap usually fed to music magazines by the likes of Bono and Bob Geldof.

Though politics is not his strong suit, Bieber is certainly a skilled diplomat. When asked in the same interview which types of girls he liked Justin replied: 'I like a girl with a nice smile and who’s funny. As far as looks, my taste is dark hair.' The teen idol quickly qualified this though, saying ‘I don’t limit myself. I like girls with blonde hair, too. I like everything'. Keep your hopes up girls! Bieber is a man without standards!

Does his own jokes

Mirred in scandal he may be, but no one can deny Silvio Berlusconi is great entertainment. 'I have always made it so that every woman feels, how should I say, special' he recently told reporters when refuting allegations that he paid a child for sex. There really is no need to read a double entendre into that one: the use of 'how should I say' makes him sound like Frankie Howard in Up Pompeii! Still at least the writers of Up Pompeii! had the good sense to make Howard's Lurcio a slave. Such a character could not have been believable had he been an Italian leader, could he?

Walking on Ice

Can't wait for Dancing on Ice tomorrow? Neither can Kerry Katona. The former Atomic Kitten said of dancing for Torvill and Dean: 'Its like doing the Moonwalk in front of Michael Jackson, isn't it?' No Kerry, no it isn't.

Thanks Daily Mail...

For this profound quote:

‘Sir Elton John and Mr Furnish have opted for traditional names for their son. Zachary is of Hebrew origin, and means ‘The Lord recalled’, while Jackson is of Old English origin and simply means ‘Son of Jack’.

True and yet slightly misleading

Christmas comes but once a year and now, sadly, so does Top of the Pops. On this year's festive broadcast Fearne Cotton credited Take That's Progress as 'the fastest selling album of the century'. Technically true, this statement, which has been banded arounded a lot recently, is excellent hyperbole. Progress is not the fastest selling album of the last century - it is pipped for that honour by Oasis' much derided Be Here Now. However, it is the fastest selling album of the last ten years and, therefore, our current, young century. Obviously 'fastest selling album of the decade' just does not cut it these days.

Just like South Africa

Norman Baker, transport minister, seems have a rather inflated opinion of his role of making the buses run on time under David Cameron. Speaking to undercover Daily Telegraph reporters he said that when thinking of his position he ‘always think[s] in South African terms’. That is worrying enough, but he went on to say ‘should you be Nelson Mandela, outside the system, campaigning for it to be changed, or should you be Helen Suzman, who’s one of my political heroes actually…She got stuck in there in the South African parliament in the apartheid days as the only person there to oppose it... she stood up and championed that from inside.’ Though Cameron’s government is right-wing, this is a bizarre piece of misrepresentation from a coalition ally. As we are yet to witness ‘white only’ signs being posted in station toilets across the land it seems Baker’s vanity has run away with him. However, given this is the same man who, whilst in opposition, claimed that ‘any reasonable person looking at the evidence would, at the very least, agree that further investigation’ into the death of David Kelly was needed and that it was possible ‘a tiny cabal within the British Establishment commissioned’ his assassination, the only surprising thing about the transport secretary is that he remains gainfully employed.

Anatomy of a Popstar

Though his talent for wearing sleeveless vests may be severely limited, Matt Cardle seems to have many of the traits necessary for a top star. His vocals are nothing to be sniffed at, The Sun has recently revealed his shocking past of ‘smoked cannabis while running wild with mates’ and, best of all, he is capable of statements like this:

‘Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think any of the winners have been trying in bands like I have for so long… I've been writing songs for years. I've written about four or five albums in my time and I'm writing all the time… I don't think Joe's a songwriter, I don't think Leona's a songwriter. These people can sing, but I'm an artist already and this is my platform.’

Do this young man’s talents know no bounds but modesty? Hopefully he will open a Haus of Cardle and start talking about himself in the third person soon – that way his status will be secured.