Thanks Daily Mail...

For this profound quote:

‘Sir Elton John and Mr Furnish have opted for traditional names for their son. Zachary is of Hebrew origin, and means ‘The Lord recalled’, while Jackson is of Old English origin and simply means ‘Son of Jack’.

True and yet slightly misleading

Christmas comes but once a year and now, sadly, so does Top of the Pops. On this year's festive broadcast Fearne Cotton credited Take That's Progress as 'the fastest selling album of the century'. Technically true, this statement, which has been banded arounded a lot recently, is excellent hyperbole. Progress is not the fastest selling album of the last century - it is pipped for that honour by Oasis' much derided Be Here Now. However, it is the fastest selling album of the last ten years and, therefore, our current, young century. Obviously 'fastest selling album of the decade' just does not cut it these days.

Just like South Africa

Norman Baker, transport minister, seems have a rather inflated opinion of his role of making the buses run on time under David Cameron. Speaking to undercover Daily Telegraph reporters he said that when thinking of his position he ‘always think[s] in South African terms’. That is worrying enough, but he went on to say ‘should you be Nelson Mandela, outside the system, campaigning for it to be changed, or should you be Helen Suzman, who’s one of my political heroes actually…She got stuck in there in the South African parliament in the apartheid days as the only person there to oppose it... she stood up and championed that from inside.’ Though Cameron’s government is right-wing, this is a bizarre piece of misrepresentation from a coalition ally. As we are yet to witness ‘white only’ signs being posted in station toilets across the land it seems Baker’s vanity has run away with him. However, given this is the same man who, whilst in opposition, claimed that ‘any reasonable person looking at the evidence would, at the very least, agree that further investigation’ into the death of David Kelly was needed and that it was possible ‘a tiny cabal within the British Establishment commissioned’ his assassination, the only surprising thing about the transport secretary is that he remains gainfully employed.

Anatomy of a Popstar

Though his talent for wearing sleeveless vests may be severely limited, Matt Cardle seems to have many of the traits necessary for a top star. His vocals are nothing to be sniffed at, The Sun has recently revealed his shocking past of ‘smoked cannabis while running wild with mates’ and, best of all, he is capable of statements like this:

‘Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think any of the winners have been trying in bands like I have for so long… I've been writing songs for years. I've written about four or five albums in my time and I'm writing all the time… I don't think Joe's a songwriter, I don't think Leona's a songwriter. These people can sing, but I'm an artist already and this is my platform.’

Do this young man’s talents know no bounds but modesty? Hopefully he will open a Haus of Cardle and start talking about himself in the third person soon – that way his status will be secured.

Fight for your right

Looking back on a week of panic on the streets of London it was good to see that the art of rhetoric was not lost amongst the riot shields. This argument, given by a young man resembling a bandit to the BBC, gives a worrying vision of the English youth and their reliance on EMA:

‘We’re from the slums of London yeah? How do they... How do they expect us to pay £9000 for uni fees? And EMA, EMA is the only thing keeping us in college. What’s stopping us doing drug deals on the streets anymore? Nothing!’

Heroes

Who’s your hero? Which historical figure would you want your children to look up to? Martin Luther King, Gandhi or Nelson Mandela? Maybe someone more leftfield like Anita Roddick or Isambard Kingdom Brunel? Not if you’re Louis Walsh. For him 24-year-old single mother Rebecca Ferguson is the ‘best role model you could ever have’.

More than words can wield

Another excellent episode. Cheryl Cole, in a style reminiscent of King Lear’s power hungry daughter Goneril, declared she found it ‘very hard to find words to describe what a beautiful girl’ Rebecca Ferguson was. She then, of course, gave us a long series of platitudes about just how beautiful a girl Rebecca was.

Before the X-factor finishes, it would be remiss not to mention Wagner’s elimination a few weeks ago. Simon Cowell, following the Brazillian’s loss of the judges’ vote, declared he was ‘happy with the result is because there are people out there trying to derail this show and now the control is back in the public’s hands’. Obviously those voting for Wagner were largely members of the armed services.

The X-factor cometh

Very much looking forward to this evening's X-factor final. How many times will Louis Walsh use the prhases ‘you’re living your dream’, ‘you’re very likeable’ and ‘you made it your own’? More importantly, what do any of these have to do with winning a singing contest?